Collapse part II

Why suddenly part II? where's the part I? 

Well, i already have the first one back then in 2018 as i remember, a few day before my birthday on August. That time, i still  have someone to talk to, someone to actually listen to. 

But now, everything feels so unsure. 

How do you express what you feel if all you felt was a damage, collapse, and all the worst fear that comes alive. This is me now, how i feel through the days lately. Living, but i know i just passing the days to finally have weekend. But sometimes, weekend even not heal me. I don't have anyone to share, to actually tell the darkest mind of mine, to have someone to listen on my 3am thoughts, and everyone is just feel like one. Passing by without leaving me sanity and peace. 

As i grow up, i realized

sanity and peace is two things that i need for my self. If i don't have those two things, i feel like i'm scrumble and fall into pieces. Nothing that i feel sure of, nothing that i feel gonna be alright. As i gwow older i know that life is not about balancy but it should be balance. Not for happiness, but sanity and peace. You can only get your happiness if you have your sanity and peace, stability of yourself. 

Back then i was thinking, that happiness is the top of it. Everything we need to fulfill with in life. But no, there's a lot of thing that we should prioritize to make up that thing called happiness. Sanity and Peace for yourself. Those two things is gonna effect your happiness. 

I don't know if this was collapse part II or just me getting into the more over thinking mind and becoming a middle century age woman. 

Everything become serious, every step i take become answer i have to risk at the end of the day, every minute i do is a consequences of everything i did before. Life becoming not that fun, but more responsibility. 

It's not like i don't want to take any responsibility. It's just everything i feel right now is makes me feeling lost and empty. 

I just wish 2020 gonna be better, giving me a chance to becoming someone i actually counted to be when i was younger back then. 

And i just wish all of this collapse part II thing is just my random, damage, and over crowded thought of mine. 

Inhale Exhale they said

but i don't find my peace yet

- not yet