Guilty

Having to hold a feeling in such a long time is not okay
Having someone to look  up to, then fall in love with him is a clumsy move
Having him on the phone talking about work but still have those butterfly effect is not fine
Having feeling for him is never right

but who am i talking this nonsense?
Feeling is something that everyone should count as a blessing
that you're alive, that's why you have feeling
That's why you're loved, because you're human

Today i see his baby daughter, born fine beautifully
and i feel happy for him
but i also feel blank, out of words, speechless
i feel numb

He's happy, since those wedding days
and now he must be feeling complete,
having that angel of baby daughter
I am happy for him

but can i just make this a little bit about me?
about how i can't feel anything else the moment i saw that picture on my scrolling instagram
it's just too much to handle, to feel
not that i am apart of you right now

but you've been part of me back then
and now still, you're the part of my journey
i thought i kinda miss you, craving for having someone like you to look up to
having you as my dream man, one day

But darling,
this feeling is just too rumbled up
everything is just so out of place.
Having feeling for you is never right back then, now is even

So this is me finally saying it,
my guilty over i don't know what
for having feeling towards him, and still having this emotion, even when he's married
god, forgive me for what i have sin