nothing left anymore

Sunday, April 12th 2020
2.35 am

Last night i told him about how i feel.
About things that i want to be honest with, about what i want and how i really feel towards him
I finally said it, and told him.
At first i feel relieved that i can finally said it, even if it is over the phone.

He said he had feeling for me, but it was on the past tense sentence.
And i asked him, why it is on the past tense?

We talked for hours, i told him i was confused with everything that happen between us. How he's been caring for me, how he's actually that nice, and i really hope he could saw himself from my side, my eyes, and how i looked at him. I confessed everything to him, why i could fall in love.
how we talked for hours in car going back home, how he treated me nicely, how he actually listen to me, how he stays with me untill 2 am when i have to done my tasks from our lecturer, how he scooped me foods, how he made me his first cake bite on his birthday surprise back then on february, how he care when i was sick, how he met my parents, everything...
i am trying to be honest last night.

And he said he had feeling for me.
He feel the same way, but it was on the past tense.
He think i am a strong women, he think of me that good, untill he feel he doesn.t deserve me.

So tell me,
what's more i have to tell?
Because i have nothing left anymore. He has the last piece of my heart, and he can't accept it.
For him, now our friendship is the best. For him, he can't just erased our friendship and sell it for another kind of relationship. I don't even asked him to do that. But it's just hurt me that he can't look at me for another kind of relationship rather than friend.

So here i am, have nothing left anymore. I feel numb, hurt, but i can manage to be okay.
I don't know what's going to happen after this, really.
For me it was all blurry, but decent enough to make a statement that we're just friend.
i don't wanna be mad to him, and i can't blame him. Because i was the one who started it all last night, having the sudden bravery to tell him how i feel.
i think i just can't pretending anymore. I just want to be honest, and tell him how i feel. And that's it.
i just hope i'm not ruining everything.
Maybe it will be awkward.
Maybe i will have my space for a while
But that's it
it is what it is, as i told him.

I am a plain honest one
And i asked him to do the same, honesty.

Because in the end, i have nothing left anymore on my heart. I give it all out, the last piece of mine.