Dear A,

Hi

It’s been a long time since i’m writing about you.

But since that dream, you just keep strolling around me. And i can’t stop to think, or wonder, what fate do we have right now? What else i have to do to stop thinking that it’s the fate that bring us back together. What i need to do, to think that this is just another coincidence that we have to go through.

Since i write this one, i think i need to tell you this

I never think about you anymore since a long time ago, especially since my college life. I do, moving on from you. I remember, September 26th in 2015 is the last time i give you the “Happy Birthday” DM’s. Tho, i still remember your birthday untill now. I realized, that you will always be that kind of love that i couldn’t never resist the existence. You’re the kind of love that i couldn’t even done with. There will always be an “Undone” things between us. I will never be able to totally moving on from my life untill i finally saying it to you, how i feel about you all this time.

What i feel about you, is really deep. My whole life, what i know that i do really love is only 4 person untill now. Arul, You, Razan, and Dany. But all of them isn’t a secret love story anymore, except you. I tell how i feel to Arul long time ago, Razan finally reveal how trully i feel through this blog, through my writing – my personal things. Dany, well, he’s my boyfriend, so technically he knows how i feel.

But you, you’re the only exception.

You never know, i guess.

Untill now i still asking my self, how could i feel such a deep emotion and feeling for a person –you- that time. I thought that when we finished our junior high, this feeling is gonna gone by the time goes. But it’s not. Maybe i don’t feel it like before, but i still feel it. I’m trying to ignore it for god’s sake, many times. But this feeling is just always gonna come back to me, like wanting answer that i could never give. Because you’re the one that could give the damn answer. Sometimes i feel like it’s playing that one kind of game, you feel optimistic to win, but you never know where you’ll found the exit door and finally got out. I just don’t know. When it comes to you, i just feel so clueless. I think i’m done being clueless because of you since years ago, but the truth is no i didn’t. I just keep running and avoiding what trully matters in this heart. I’m avoiding you, because when it comes to you, i am weak in love. I can’t even tell about how i feel 3 years ago for you in my junior high school’s time. What i feel for you that time is true, clear, without intention to asking for more, just wanting you to understand and realizing my love. But guess what, that’s not what happen. I always scared that if you found out about how i feel, you’ll feel disgusted because of me. I know i’m not enough for you. I know i’m not your type of girl. You break my heart many times, but then again, i still into you.

Dear A, if this is how it will be.

This time i’m not gonna lie to my self anymore. If this is the fate for us to finally meet again, untill that time, i will prepare my self, to give out the best of me. When the time is right, i will finally tell the truth. About how i feel long time ago. So my life would never keep doing this throwback things.

Because i need this to be done. So i can walk away, so i can finally know the truth. Weather it’s good or bad, i think i’m ready now. 

 Bali, 

August 23th 2018